Katzen

Yesterday was my 15th day totally sober. But then I had a drink at night. Just one (about 2 oz).

Sunday my husband bought a bottle of bourbon and a bottle of vodka for me since he noticed I didn't have any in the freezer as usual. A year or so ago these single 750 ml bottles used to last us about a month because we'd just have a shot or two mixed with juice or soda in the evening on weekends. (My husband's weekend is Sat-Mon).

But my drinking became out of control, a few months ago I started having to drink in mornings and afternoon just to keep shakes away, so I tapered off successfully on my own and stayed sober 15 days.

Didn't have any desire to have that vodka, it just sat in there untouched since Sunday. But my husband had a horrible day at work last night (Thursday), he had to let go an employee of his that was on a 60-day probation period, really nice, friendly guy, but there were others who noticed this "friendly guy" would often spend 5-10 minutes chatting with others during the work day and complained to my husband's supervisor. Husband warned him 3 times the past month there were complaints about him, save the chatting for lunch and breaks, but it continued and my husband's supervisor insisted he had to go. (Husband would have kept him on because even with the chatting he was more productive and better than most of his other employees.)

So husband had to give him his 60-day eval and tell him they wouldn't be keeping him on.... guy took it really hard, was losing a job just under 6 figures and he just bought a condo, he thought he found his dream job and now his life seemed screwed.

Husband felt really horrible when he got home from work, even though he almost never drank on nights before a workday, he went straight into the kitchen and poured about 3 oz of bourbon. He also brought me a small glass of straight vodka, perhaps 2 oz, said he didn't want to drink alone because that's what alcoholics do (btw, he had no idea I had become an alcoholic and had just become sober, I never felt or acted drunk.)

I let my glass sit there for at least a half hour while he told me about how horrible he felt, I had no desire to drink it, was probably going to dump it down the drain, but I started to feel really bad for my husband and I questioned if I could have just this one drink and go back to abstaining.

I know in my heart I'll never go back to over-drinking, I've thought a lot about my life, I have so much to live for, and most of my physical pain from endometriosis is gone (reason I started drinking more and more) so I have no reason to self-medicate with alcohol and honestly never really liked the taste of it.

So when husband said I haven't touched my glass, do I want some juice or soda in it (when we drank together I rarely drank it straight unless we ran out of mixers), so I went ahead and drank it in 2 swigs.

I felt kinda guilty, but I justified doing it as an experiment, and felt kinda proud that I hated the taste of it, didn't want to ever have anymore. Today I have no desire to have anymore, thought about pouring the rest down the drain, but I get a good feeling when I open the freezer and see that bottle that months ago would only last a day, but now I have no desire for it.

I know some reading this will believe I'll start up again, I know it's quite common, I've read many stories in these forums from those who would quit for a while and start up again, and I don't want that to be me. It was scary being physically addicted, I refuse to allow that to happen ever again.

I've also read many success stories in these forums and they inspire me to be sober. I do enjoy being sober and have appreciated the good things in life much more lately, this is the life I want.