I remember finding a cigarette hole burned in a comforter I'd made. I puzzled over it for some time, then finally asked XAH if he'd done it. Nope, he swore up and down he had NOT done it, and that it wasn't even a cigarette hole.
Now, any of you who have smoked or known a smoker know that nothing looks like a cigarette hole but a cigarette hole. Perfectly round w/scorched edges. There is really no other option. Yet he insisted...
I remember him arguing, with a look of panic on his face that I didn't understand then but do now, that it wasn't necessary for me to understand what was going on in the bank accounts and why they didn't balance; all I had to do was believe that things were OK, b/c after all, he told me they were!
And I guess I let a lot of those things slide for 2 reasons:
1) Not letting them slide would have meant confronting what was really going on, even though I had very little clue what that would actually turn out to be, and
2) I simply could not conceive of someone lying, with that intensity, about such minor things, or making such outrageous statements. It wasn't even that I doubted myself, like in gaslighting; it was that I couldn't believe it was even real, even happening...it was like something from another universe!
Where I am now, I feel more sadness and pity for him regarding this longstanding, deep-seated lying than any other emotion; however, that wasn't always the case.
Thought I'd share this from the AA Big Book, on this topic:
Chapter 5
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.