Don't do that, Up! You just need to look at your sobriety and feel good about that. I really try hard not to play the "what if" game. Could I have done different things in my life and ended up in a different place? Sure. But I'm where I am, and I'm proud of a lot of things I have done. Number one thing I'm happy about now is my sobriety. That's my number one priority ( besides my kids and my granddaughter). When I start beating myself up I think about how my life was when I was still drinking and I'm just grateful I'm not like that anymore.