This was awesome to come home to and read. I have moments where I can see the light and know that, because his addiction left no room in the relationship, I will eventually have a relationship that is not one-sided as the one I have experienced. That gives me hope an optimism. But I would be lying if I said after 3 weeks that it is always so easy to see the bright side. As you said, being that it was my first relationship there are a slew of emotions. When we began dating he was not the person he is now (because of drugs an alcohol). He was 21 and the drinking slowly started to be an issue, but, being so young I wondered if his behavior was 'normal' and could be grown out of. So many of our friends drank and partied in the same manner and I had no previous experience for comparison. Within a couple years it started to create tension, I always said if it weren't for the drinking we'd have been the happiest couple. Our day to day was consistent and easy, but when a party would come up, or his work friends would want to go to the bar, trouble was inevitable. The moment I expressed concern things changed and he would be so insecure and confrontational after a night of drinking. He did plenty of bargaining with his drinking in the years to come leading to a broken hand (he punched a wall) and a 2 month prescription to pain medicine. That became his new drug of choice. He could use it at work and he could get it at work when the prescription ran out. Of course there was a lot of lying and bargaining that came with that as well. When we broke up 3 weeks ago he said "I havent felt the same in the past two years' which is funny as it was two years ago that I finally began to verbalize my concerns with the drug use. He was so up and down and back and forth. We would go long periods of time where he seemed content and happy and said all the right things and then he would seem to binge and the whole tune would change. It was the long periods of happiness that really threw me for a loop. I can see now that in the last two years those periods became farther and fewer between and the selfishness and lying became the primary component of the relationship.
He is very secretive with his use and most of our mutual friends would be surprised to hear the extent. Everyone who knew him had the same things to say "He is such a nice guy, good guy, thoughtful guy" and those were the things I loved about him. It was sad to watch those things that were special about him fade away. I hope I am able to let go of that idea of him as I know he is not the same guy I once loved. Its the nighttime and weekends that leave me feeling lonely and nostalgic but also remind me that what was no longer is.