Lesson Learned
About a week or so ago I read a reply to a thread and really put it to the test this past week.
It was so simple:
"If it feels good, don't do it."
Though I don't like to admit it, I am a stubborn person and can be very argumentative. I also am very impatient. Definitely not any of my best traits.
When my RA fiance would come home from a night of drinking, I'd tell myself not to talk to him... that lasted a whole 5 minutes after he walked in the door.
Against all logic and reason I'd start a line of questioning with a drunk person and throw out my accurate accusations of him lying, breaking promises, and having an addiction. My feelings always got the best of me. It felt better to yell at him and question him and get the apology the next morning when he sobered up. Then I'd be kicking myself because really, I'm the one who escalated an already bad situation- but I wouldn't admit that to even myself. To me, I was ensuring to enforce that his behaviour was not okay and that I wouldn't tolerate it... but I did.
In his past three weeks of his sobriety, I've been struggling with my own feelings. In the beginning I really felt the need to talk to him about things. About his sobriety, our relationship, why he's being distant, his family, eliminating stresses, joining a program like AA... everything and anything on my mind.
When I began these conversations there was constantly a "yeah, but you did this," or "you need to do this," or "I feel like you should," coming from both sides. These conversations so easily turned into anger, resentment, and arguments.
Then it clicked.
Yes, he is sober, but why am I looking for reassuring answers from a guy that would promise me that he wouldn't take off to the bar and ignore my calls for all hours of the night? He reassured me it wouldn't happen time and time again, but it did! I wouldn't feel reassured even if he did tell me that it's never going to happen again.
It indeed feels good to have reassurance. But I'm not going to get it for myself anyway by his words because so many times his words meant nothing. We have to rebuild the trust that I lost in him because of his addiction. Just as he needs to rebuild the trust that he lost when I began to try to control him. He's been rebuilding it for three weeks. My lack of patients gets the better of me sometimes.
Every time something pops in my head, my instinct is to talk to him about it.
I want to hear from him that he's sorry, he's thankful I stayed, and that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me- Sober.
It feels great when all cards are on the table and you hear what you want. But our conversations don't go that way, and we're both a mess. We wouldn't even know what to put on the table right now.
I've been wanting to talk to him about his actions and how they're making me feel a lot lately. Not talking has gotten us to a place of being friends. I come on SR and vent my feelings or frustrations and confusion rather than going to him for answers or waiting for him to validate my feelings.
All weekend he's been much more thoughtful. He's been doing little favors for me, being helpful without me asking, holding my hand when he gets a chance, telling jokes, kissing me on the forehead.
At the same time he seems confused. He is asking if I'm okay, how I'm feeling, asking if I want to discuss anything, and letting me know he's here for anything I need.
I've realized that as much as I'm confused by him, he's confused by me leaving him alone and just enjoying what company I have of him. I probably come off as a nag.
It's probably equivalent to the "where is this going" conversation that even I hated in early dating relationships.
I'm going to stick to "if it feels good, don't do it."
I was doing it for the benefit to stop our arguing, but in a week, it's done so much for me and for him.
Just wanted to share something that's working.
Hope everyone had a lovely weekend!