Kissedbyfire

I'm feeling very weak and vulnerable. It just sprung on me really suddenly.
I'm feeling lonely, sad, vulnerable and anxious. I hate it. I've been feeling really good lately.

My RAF (I normally call him my RAH but our wedding was put off when I got unexpectedly got pregnant so we're really only engaged) got off work at a decent time. His work sent him for his truck drivers D class licence so after his drivers test he came home early. We chatted about his work, our daughter... just normal chatter, had dinner, played with the little one and then spent the rest of the evening resting, watching a sitcom. It's been three weeks of distance.

Three weeks ago things were going really well between us. Then he stopped into a bar on the way home from work and had one too many drinks out of no where, and didn't come home for hours. We fought a little when he came home and I threw my hands up and went to bed and he passed out on the couch.

The next morning I decided I'd sleep in. I had no interest in making sure he made it to work on time (he did) or that he had a lunch packed for him. He texted me all day and I ignored the texts and when he called to talk I told him I didn't want to.
He came home crying and begging and finally admitted his drinking was a problem.

The frequency of his drinking is usually not my problem. He goes weeks without it at times no problem. It's that he will go to a friend's or drink at a bar and 'a beer' turns into 15 beers. As a beer drinker- he doesn't do well with liquor. He drinks it at fast as beer. He never buys it to keep at home because he eventually figured that out and he's just obnoxious and rude when he drinks liquor... or that much at least. When he drinks at home - nothing bad ever really happens. When we have drank together, it's not a lot of fun because he drinks faster than me and we're not on the same level and he ends up falling asleep when 'I'm just getting started' so to speak. But the crazy ignorant behaviour pretty much only happened when he drank at the bar - or his sister's house. This sister of his despises me. Apparently I'm a snob to her because I was drinking a lattè once in front of her that I had grabbed from starbucks on my way to visit her and was going to be the DD for my RAF (here in Canada Starbucks is a lot pricier than your average coffee shop). My RAF also confided in her too much about our relationship which he now says he regrets. She's never met our daughter and he no longer speaks to her because she sent him a long nasty text about me and about how he's pathetic for being with me. She's also an alcoholic.

He explained his intentions of just stopping in at the bar for a beer then coming home. He realizes now that he can't just have one. Having just one beer causes him to just want more and that his ability to make good decisions is corrupted with just one beer. He'd never even remotely admitted in anyway that his drinking was a problem before. I listened to him talk about it as though he was in fear. Possibly the same fear I might have felt when I first started seeing the problem... possibly even more scared. I still told him I was very upset and hurt. He came home again obnoxiously drunk and acted like a jerk and prior to this everything was going really great between us. We had just gone out on a fun date night with mini-put, dinner and dancing for the first time since before I had gotten pregnant (so 18 months roughly), and had a blast together. He felt compelled to keep getting on his knees, hold my hands and beg for my forgiveness. He kept trying to hug me and hold hands and touch my hair. The next day he finally said "I'm an alcoholic, I'll never have another drink again. It's ruining my life, and has ruined the past two years of my life."
We talked a lot about it. He explained things to me. Things I already knew and witnessed for a long time, but it was like a revelation to him.

Since then, there's been little to no contact. No intimacy, a hug feels kind of empty, and occasionally I'll get a knee slap when I'm sitting next to him watching TV.
We haven't been together for a very long time. We've been together for 2.5 years. In our first year together, we got engaged and about 6 months later we found out I was pregnant.

Not to be graphic or go in to too much detail, but as long as we've been together, we've always had a very healthy physical relationship. He pulls off the hard-ass front very well to everyone, but behind closed doors, he's always been a big softy who likes to cuddle, hold hands, and always gives me a hug and a kiss on the way out and coming home. He's always called me "honey," sweetheart," or "beautiful." He texts me "I miss you" when he's working long hours at work. He calls me a little closer to cuddle with him on the couch at times when we're just settling down and watching TV.
It feels like that's gone. He reclines at his end of the couch and I stay in my spot. A kiss goodbye when he goes to work, seems like an obligation. I sleep on my side of the bed and he sleeps on his, and it's lights out right away. He calls me by my name a lot now and occasionally calls me honey. It seems like he doesn't even look at me the same anymore. That look that always made me feel to my core that he lived me and wanted me. I'm glad to say he still remains just as sweet with our daughter though. Tells her how much he loves her and missed her when he gets home from work.

I can't help but to miss it. To miss what we had through good times and bad throughout our entire relationship. For it to totally evaporate just like that... it hurts and it's confusing. Thinking about it now, it makes me wonder if he's not in love with me anymore. If some how, the day he decided to kick the booze, was the day he decided that I'm not the one anymore. I look at the ring on my finger, and wonder if it means anything.

I feel pathetic. Because I have this emptiness and loneliness.
Sure he'd go weeks at a time sober, but has his true sobriety taken away some clouds he had and brought him to the realization that he isn't in love with me anymore? Or is this normal?
I understand there's a bigger picture at hand here, but the sudden lack of physical and emotional connection has thrown me for a loop.

Just very sad and confused tonight. Hopefully by the morning my mood turns around and I have more positivity.