Madgirl said:
Shame is tricky, and is a powerful tool your addiction can use to keep you stuck because it feeds the desire to self destruct.
This is so true. I felt A LOT of shame while I was still drinking, and for quite a while after I stopped. It still pops up now and then. While I was still drinking, the shame was so bad that I drank to forget it for a while. Of course, that only brought on more shame. A downward spiral.
With the help of treatment and AA, I'm learning to see the things I did while drinking in a different light. Would I have been that way sober? NO, absolutely not. That's not me. That was the booze and addiction. Do I have things to apologize for? YES, and I'm doing that in the form of amends to people I hurt with my actions and behavior. Feeling shame is not productive. Forgiving yourself and apologizing IS productive. Be gentle with yourself. I'm sure deep down, you know you're a good person. It sure sounds to me like you are, and you lost your true self somewhere along the way. As you build up sober time, you will begin to find yourself again. And being yourself and living a sober life is one of the best amends you can make to the people who care about you and you may have hurt.