PowerFlower, mechanism of addiction is more complicated than it's usually perceived. It involves basic, ancient areas of the brain which can't be influenced directly by willpower and intelligence. And beating yourself up surely doesn't help.
It's challenging to find that balance between being productively compassionate (that's the best term I can come up with) and sticking to discipline which helps to build better habits and eventually, life. Discipline of not listening to what's considered "normal" and discipline of standing to your values. Being open to admit that , probably, lots of things I believed in and used as foundation for my life, were wrong.
There are a lot of tools for sobriety. Shame is not one of them. "Shaming yourself" to point of pain so strong that it will give you a magic wake up call is delusion at best.
Keep posting. If there's' magic wand about sobriety - SR is surely a great candidate for this post.
Stick to us.