Gbriezy, I am four months out of a relationship with my XAB, 5 weeks today NC. I found my way here and have been finding comfort in reading these boards for a for a few weeks now. Your post struck a major chord with me. How many nights I have sat up thinking, "If he would JUST stop...". "What did I do to make him change his mind about me?" "He's a mess, why doesn't he want me..." I can't decide if I feel worse for my brain going in circles trying to untangle and settle the unanswered questions resulting from him abruptly vaporizing into thin air and never looking back, or my severely bruised heart. This is the third XAB that I have had and I can tell you I am finally awake and see the common denominator; I'm working to get the support I need and change my behavior. As lonely as it is, I'm handing this breakup head on; not dulling it with food, constantly going out drinking, distracting myself with someone else, etc. I've been trying to eat healthy, get sleep, not overcommit, save money and take care of myself. I'm still sad in a big way. I still miss him almost every day. But I will tell you that I would take those feelings any day over being constantly disappointed by the person I love the most. Wondering if he is going to come home, stand me up for dinner, drive home blacked out, respond to me, wake up in the morning after hitting his head in a drunken stupor... I don't miss "that guy", in fact I hate him. As much as I love and miss the sober version of my XAB, I resent "that guy" ten times more. And I don't want to feel that way for the rest of my life, that's a lot of pain and uncertainty to carry around and forever is a long time. It feels like the hurt will never go away, that the feeling of paralyzing fear of running into him in our small town will be my reality going forward. It took me quite some time to get over his predecessor, XAB #2, but I got there. So I have to hold on to the hope that eventually I will come out the other side of this as well; hopefully stronger and having learned how to avoid repeating this pattern yet again. Until then I will come here and participate with the kindred hearted people on these boards, continue to try to make healthy choices for myself, and allow the hurt to be there until it's ready to go. I hope you're feeling a little better this evening, and I hope that you find what you need from these posts. 💗