In that boat with you Swim- to my knowledge (and I'm not investigating) she hasn't had a drink in 2.5 years or so. We've been married 20 years, she was isolating and abusing prescription drugs and alcohol for 8 or so years.. I was full-blast untreated alanon, demanding what behavior I wanted and so on. So 2 years into recovery things are... cordial. I found alanon and it was like discovering how to breathe again, she is more or less the same but without booze. In a way thats what I need- I have to discover how to live my life without depending on her for validation, company, which is more or less what I'm getting.
I find I need to practice complete acceptance of how she needs to be and my business is what I can bring to the situation not what I can get out of it. I would <prefer> a relationship deeper than sharing the bills and small talk- I would <prefer> an involved mom instead of her disappearing into knitting and facebook as soon as she gets home . But its the old getting bread at the hardware store problem.
Given its a functional and at least cordial arrangement, we do family things with our 10 yr old daughter, have date-night etc- there is no outrageous behavior and I think it would be selfish and wholly inappropriate to separate because the marriage doesn't align with my preferences.
I ask myself would I be having these concerns if she was physically sick instead of emotionally/physically unavailable... and I say I don't think so, and so I wonder whats the difference. She is an untreated ACOA, she and her family went thru some brief counselling after her alcoholic dad committed suicide when she was 17- the issue is Officially Settled despite what now seems clear (to me) unhealed and profound emotional trauma in all parties. So I would say I cannot fairly make a distinction between an emotional issue and an illness wrt my approach to the marriage... my business is what I bring to it- and I need to maintain some empathy for her being kind of stuck on the emotional trauma hamster-wheel. I have been there too in my own way.
Its lonely sometimes.. recovery talk is not welcome, she goes deer-in-headlight and shuts down.. so I leave things be. But I have my recovery peeps and every day is an adventure instead of more or less frequently a PITA which is how I used to work.