Smilax

So one of the things that I struggle with is loving myself so to speak. Self hatred or at least an extreme negative self image is one of the driving factors behind a LOT of my issues. From my life long issues with depression and anxiety, to my crippling perfectionism, to my drinking. I know I need to treat myself with more compassion, to ease up on myself. It's funny because I'm one of the easiest going people around when it comes to others. Most people comment on how compassionate or kind or nice I am. But towards myself I am the harshest critic one can imagine.

But to be honest I don't exactly know what treating myself better looks like. One of the things I fight against on a daily basis is the urge within me to give in to running away from my life. I've been doing it all my life to be honest, I've burnt more bridges than I care to mention, most of them not having to do with alcohol. I'm terrified of life. There is a childish urge within me that just wants to set off and literally run from everything. Pack my bags, grab a plane ticket to anywhere on earth and disappear because I can't handle life. I have not done that but I have escaped in other ways, ran from jobs, kept friends and arms length, drank, took pills etc.

The danger to me is that I mix up "treating myself better" with allowing myself to give in to these urges. Because while they may be self destructive, so is the voice in my head running all the time while I fight them. So it's easy for me to slip into the idea of treating yourself with compassion is forgiving yourself for giving in.

And indeed I think when we fall off the wagon we DO need to forgive ourselves and get back on it. BUT how do I treat myself better without giving myself that licence? It sounds easy but it's not.