After I finished my post last night about having a void in my heart, I realized that is how people with a deceased parent must feel.
And that got me to wondering if I should just pretend that my Dad is dead. Another member suggested hypnosis to me via PM and that might just be the way to go.
Before I went to bed I found an email from my Dad. I don’t sit on top of my email. It was neutral. Neutral topics, neutral tone. Of course. . . .sly dog. Change of seasons, snow tires, winterizing his bike. Where to go from here? Well, there are no weather notes to compare. I use all-season tires. I know nothing about winterizing motorcycles. What does that leave? Let’s see. Well, he refuses to discuss my stepmom’s condition. Family is out of the question, and he has ostracized all of them anyway. Politics? According to him, over on the West Coast here, we're all just a bunch of liberal pot-smoking commies running around naked in the streets, and he knows I hate politics anyway.
(As an aside, even though D and I are pretty much aligned in our views, my eyes start glazing over when he starts on one of his impassioned speeches. D and my Dad are both very opinionated and have very opposing political views, and that’s one reason that D has never taken the initiative to have a conversation with my Dad. Not to mention that D would crush my Dad in any conversation requiring the slightest morsel of intellect [just as I have done – I’m not half as smart as my rocket scientist boyfriend, but I’m twice as smart as my Dad, lol]).
So what does that leave? I was really serious when I said that I’m smarter than him. I won’t get into the various topics, but he’s really slack. I used to think he was the most brilliant person I ever knew. I was kind of shocked when I reestablished a relationship with him to discover that it was mostly just arrogance disguised as intelligence!
The bottom line is that there is nothing of substance that we can discuss. We don’t have anything in common. He definitely won’t discuss himself. He hides his inner self. That leaves ME. Me and my turf. And the author of the book I just read enlightened me on that one. That narcissists move in shadows. They make it all about you and make you feel like something special. And I know what will come next. Well, my Dad’s not going there. For one thing, I’m drained. The pity party is over.
I’ll respond noncommittally to his email – when I get around to it – keeping a wary eye on fear and hurt.