Thanks to all of you for your words of support. You can't imagine how helpful this is. Also interesting how similar many of our situations are. I am so grateful for you guys. Regarding his mom - yes, she relapses whenever he does. She was sober for 20+ years, then when he picked up, she picked up too. A very sick situation. She is as far as I know sober now. Ugh.
Dandy - as always you hit the nail on the head. Yes, I need to lower expectations. I've been doing it for a while on a logical level, but emotionally, it still hurts. As for services for my son, I have been going down that route for a while and am continuing to pursue more. It just often takes a lot of time and red tape to get extra services. He is in a great school however, and until it starts is in camp (geared to children with various needs) and is doing great so far there. The first day was rough but now he loves it and they love him! I still need to find more help on weekends - this is the main problem. I'm working on it, it's just a full time chore.
Nata - wow yes our situations are similar. I did note from reading your story which I've been following too. The fact that you are dealing with ASD makes it all the more possible to relate. I am really glad that your ah is at least stepping up financially and doing ok for now.
Sunshine - I've been following your story too and appreciate your words. You are so right - the "limbo" and waiting/hoping that things will change is such a draining waste of precious life. If they do, well good - but why wait around. I'm finally dealing with this head on. It's so hard.
Again thanks everyone. I'm actually seeing him soon, we have to go shopping for some stuff I need around the house. Not a thing I can do alone with my son. I hope to get to the stage where I don't "need" him so much and where he doesn't use this as a tool.