Well, the gloves are coming off. I've asked and asked for him to give me his decision on whether or not he will sign custody. I gave on the legal custody so the order states joint legal, I have full physical with supervised visitation either by me or someone I approve, no overnight visits and no driving our daughter.
I told him I need an answer on if he is signing or not or I will file a motion with the court. The financial, the minimal assets, the spousal support I don't care about, he can have it all, I just need him to agree to custody and we can revisit once he's gotten a stable foundation of sobriety and recovery.
We sat down last night and I was expecting an answer. He started off with, let's just put everything on hold for a month. And then I just knew. I knew this would go nowhere. And round and round on why won't I do joint, how he wouldn't ever put our daughter in danger, lets just agree to 6 months and revert to joint, how I quit on our marriage, how I'm only acting out of anger, how he can't afford to live on his own and on and on. It ended with the same way it always does, him deciding he can't discuss anymore and we'll talk later.
I honestly started questioning my decision after. Maybe we should do custody mediation, maybe we could change it to joint and he has to do a breathalyzer before and after visits, maybe I'm being way too harsh, it's not as if he is drinking 24/7, he most likely won't mess this up.
And then I met with my therapist this morning. She is an addiction specialist which is very comforting to know she understands this. And she said, no, you are doing the right thing and you have to file. It will be expensive, it won't be amicable, you will have to own your feelings of guilt and second guessing, but you have to do this. And I finally knew she's right, everyone is right. There's nothing else left for me to do.
My dreams of an amicable separation, of minimizing the impact on our daughter, of him accepting responsibility and moving forward in her best interest....it's all gone. The little bit of savings I was hoping to hold on to help him with getting on his feet and for my daughter's care will now go to lawyers and court fees. And there is nothing I can do about it. I can't give anymore. I would give him anything and everything if he just signs a piece of paper that ensures our daughter is safe while he figures out his life and addiction, gets to a solid place, but also ensures that she has her dad in her life in a stable way, and we can then move forward as successful coparents. But no. And it breaks my heart.