I suppose this is about the seltzer bottles in my room, about my own boredom and desperation for a vital experience and a cluelessness about how to get that experience. There were times in my life when i felt like my best self. Brief moments. Usually with proximal booze. Usually in another country. I just dont see that possibility in the here and now of achieving a rich experience. The people i come into contact with seem amazingly guarded and shut off. The readily available experience seems lonely at worst and monastic at best. Better of course that horrific at worse and manic at best. Maybe im simply uninteresting. I love everyone right away. What tom B says on youtube resonates. Its not a case of learning to love yourself first; its never loving yourself because youre too busy loving everyone else. Booze makes this even more of a trap of course and the answer is to start loving yourself and stop letting all of the squalor in and internalizing it. Being drab has its challenges.