Oh Expanding. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I know, believe me when I say this, I know how you feel. Dont be so hard on yourself. You will go no contact when you are ready. It took me 5 months after I moved out to go no contact. I felt I was ready. Today is day 2 for me and although I miss him, I am not terribly depressed. I think each day will get better. And some days it will be very very difficult - But better than being lied to every single day of your life. And for me, just being terrified that any day I will have to witness a seizure. So stay strong. You are loved. You are amazing!