Bad dream
I had a terrible dream. There was war going on here in the US and I was stranded in a bad city. My first instinct was to call exA and he picked up and got me.
If I was really in trouble I don't know who I could call. It is so upsetting to know that I'm no longer a priority in his life and if something bad were to happen I don't know if he'd be there. We did leave a channel open "if it's an emergency" but do we really mean it when we say those things to our exes?
It's not always so serious though, there are times when funny things come up and the only person who would "get it" is exA. Even small victories with the house I don't have anyone to enjoy it with that would understand right now... my friends wouldn't understand on the same level. He was my closest friend for years and while we didn't have the greatest relationship we did have bonds and more inside jokes than I realized. It's also hitting me that he's been with this other person for months now and I'm here still mourning and I can't imagine I'm much of a thought to him anymore. For some reason right now it feels kind of fresh.
I really, really miss having a partner, someone I can share things with. It wasn't all bad with exA. No, my emotional needs were not being met but he really was like a best friend I did everything with. This is why I can't wait to go no contact. Talking about anything, even the house in a group chat sends me down this awful depressing spiral. Would going no contact be me avoiding these feelings? I don't want to avoid them if it's going to prevent me from truly healing because I just want to be completely over this. I feel like my healing clock hasn't even really started yet and it's so frustrating because it's been over five months already.
I haven't woken up in tears in ages. That dream was pretty intense