I also had black outs as I am sure most of us have! They are very scary! I stay close to this website, go to AA meetings, I research a lot of recovery stories to give me hope, I pray every single day to stay sober, I read books on recovery, I avoid places that have heavy drinking and sometimes places that have alcohol all together, I go to church, etc. Most of all I hang on tight and get thru the day one day at a time. I think where drinking led me and how if I pick up today it is not going to change anything! It will add more dark days. You can do this!