[QUOTE=leeman;6102358]
I had a scare moment earlier this week in the middle of the work day. Around noon, out of nowhere, my voice became slightly shaky, heart was racing very fast, hands were shaking, my whole body was just kind of twitchy. Felt like I had drank 100 cups of coffee. I was at work and freaked out, called a nurse hotline because I had no idea what was happening to my body. I couldn't get my body to calm down no matter what I did. I ended up walking around outside for a bit and finally just sat down, drank some water, and after awhile my body came back to calm..QUOTE]
This happened to me three months before I stopped drinking:
One morning sticks out to me in particular. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was April 2014. I woke up hungover (like every day), dressed, and went to work. Soon after arriving at my desk I began sweating a cold sweat with chills. I was checking my emails and felt the sudden urgent need to get up and pace around the room. My heart was beating rapidly and I felt like I was only taking 1/2 breaths. It was quite alarming. This particular feeling was new to me. I remember that even reading through an email made me feel like I was having a panic attack. My eyes are brain were not synchronizing like they should have. The intensity of this episode lasted maybe 15 minutes before I calmed down. How I got through the rest of the day, I'll never know.
Your description reminds me a lot of what happened to me.
You mention that you'd like to go back to social drinking. You also mentioned that you sometimes drink 15 drinks in a night. I also drank 15 drinks a night on a regular basis so I know exactly what a body feels like after that amount.
Sometimes it took 15 drinks for me to get through an evening. When I say "get through an evening" I mean that when I had the urge to take a sip, I took a sip and it filled the five or so hours I had from getting home from work to being able to fall asleep. Normal people would call this "passing out."
Number one, your tolerance is huge. I remember thinking that I drank more in one night than was recommended for an entire week. Also that I would drink that much on work nights and go to work the next day when normal people would go to the emergency room with alcohol poisoning.
Basically, once it takes 15 to hit the sweet spot, nothing less will ever do. Certainly not a normal amount like two beers. It may work for a few days but I'd guess the huge amount will return.
Moderation attempts were a nightmare for me. I felt more anxious if I was in a situation where I could only have two drinks (dinner with friends, party, etc.) than if I had none at all.