I no longer feel “stupid” because “I should” have known better.
Really… what the hell was I thinking, thinking I could have a reciprocal relationship with someone like that… and all I did was give I didn’t KNOW how to take. I would still love to give to my future partner but not at the expense of my sanity or life!
Expanding, I too had a dysfunctional relationship where he decided to end it and I was left holding the pieces. Alcohol wasn't involved, but I still kick myself when I think about how much crap I tolerated all for the name of love.
I still remember the moments of kindness from that horrible time so acutely. I once found myself sobbing hysterically at the edge of an ocean at 2am in the morning, thousands of miles away from home, when a group of Aussies and Kiwis saw me and consoled me. They didn't know me from Adam, and yet they reached out to a stranger. It's been almost twenty years since that moment and I STILL cry at the memory.
I'm in a good marriage now with a wonderful partner, and we have our struggles as all married couples do, but we make the mutual decision to struggle together, not alone, and that has made all the difference. I still shudder at the thought that if my ex hadn't walked away from our relationship, I wouldn't be experiencing this happiness now.
COD is so right. It will get better, even if you feel at this moment that life is at it's worst. It might not feel better at this very moment, but as my running friends often remind me, the first mile is always the hardest.
Big hugs to you.