Even though things have been going well I have felt on the verge of crying for a few days. When I tried to let it go it didn’t feel like much of a release, like I wasn’t “finished”. Last night someone asked me how work was for the first time in months. When this happened I felt surprised (in a good way) and thought, “how thoughtful of him to ask!”. Then, my other roommate made me a lunch and put a note on it for me
I thought it was so cute!
Then on the way in to work I couldn’t stop crying. These small gestures meant so much to me and made me realize that those were things I never received as a child (replace work with school). It made me realize how little affection I received as a kid. I think I may have been thrown back into the bargaining phase but it feels a little confusing this time around.
I would always want to be near my exA, always wanted to do things with him, would get/give a kiss and a hug when coming home from work, would hold hands, would lay on him on the couch… I made sure the house was clean and that the laundry didn’t pile up too high. If he needed to run an errand I took him. I was always there to support his side business. I always wanted to be near or touching him in some way. I remember how it was at the end; no kisses hello or goodbye, no hand holding, no cuddling on the couch, we barely did anything other than watching movies or eat out. I stopped going out with him because I was tired of seeing him so drunk. It not only angered but saddened me; he knew how I felt about it but he chose to do it anyway. Seeing someone you love that drunk is so hard, I don’t know why I ever thought that type of behavior was fun. It is avoidant at best. Avoids having to feel, having to deal with the hard stuff, hell… even the good times were met with a drunken good time. Life could not be handled AT ALL without some kind of alcoholic beverage. He told me that he was shown no affection and I wanted to beat my head against the wall… he really expected me to be the same doting and loving partner regardless of his behavior. I couldn’t understand how he couldn’t understand.
I feel like maybe I could have tried harder to show affection but I let my anger and resentment get in the way. I could hardly stand the sight of him it got so bad. I was so frustrated; why couldn’t he see we were dying? Why didn’t he want to do anything about it? Why couldn’t he see I couldn’t do it by myself? And then for him to say that he didn’t think we could be a team? It’s almost laughable at this point. I could see us slowly dying and I couldn’t stop it.
I don’t think we were meant to stay together, and that we would have needed a break in order to “save us” anyway. I don’t think I could have worked on my codependency issues while in a relationship with him. I have been hearing more stories from As and how it all started for them and how it progressed. I no longer am in denial about the nature of what we were dealing with. This disease is so much sneakier than I thought… I listen to stories and I just think, wow… you would really never see it coming. It happens so subtly over time… I no longer feel “stupid” because “I should” have known better.
I remember one of the last conversations I had with him had to do with me becoming codependent… I doubt he remembers or even cares. My wanting to recover (I didn’t even know that’s what it WAS at that time) made our dynamic crumble. I couldn’t just shove everything under the rug again… I just COULDN’T. I was so tired. And so unhappy. And so tired of trying to save a relationship with someone who didn’t understand that he had a responsibility within it too!
If he didn’t walk away I don’t know where I would be right now… but I am so happy he walked away. I was too sick to do it myself. I was self sacrificing to the point it made me sick and I just shut down… I couldn’t do it anymore. He really accepted zero responsibility, none. Not a single thing. I think accepting THIS has been one of the hardest parts for me. I will never again be in a relationship where I find myself saying things like, “say what you mean and mean what you”. “Stop trying to solve our problems with sex”. “I’m tired of sweeping things under the rug”. “It’s your way or the highway”.
Really… what the hell was I thinking, thinking I could have a reciprocal relationship with someone like that… and all I did was give I didn’t KNOW how to take. I would still love to give to my future partner but not at the expense of my sanity or life!
Needed to share.
Thank you