You may not realise it, but something - maybe some higher power, or maybe the real you who is trapped under alcoholic stupor you - wants you to get well. If not, what are you doing reaching out to a sobriety website when you are so determined not to let anyone help?
I rambert thinking that sobriety would be painful and depressing. The truth is that it wasn't as painful and depressing as drinking has started to be. Sure, as time wore on, I found there were things (emotional stuff) that i needed to address because I'd pretty much stuffed everything away and drank on it for the last 25 years, so it was a bit of a festering wound that needed to be cleaned and heal. But that as well, wasn't half as painful as carrying it around had been.
What I'm trying to say is that there IS hope. Just you're in a dark place at the moment and just can't see it. I remember being there, and remember just how lonely it is. The good news is that there are thousands of alcoholics in recovery, some just round the corner from your own home, others thousands of miles away but on here. And we can guide you out when you become desperate enough to trust us, stop drinking (because that isn't working very well for you at the moment, is it) and start working on your own recovery so that sobriety can be sustainable any comfortable for you.