It is an awful cycle isn't it? I did the same thing. For years. The self loathing becomes unbearable. The anxiety was through the roof. Know you're not alone. I am glad that you're here. I think a HUGE part of it for me is knowing that I cannot regulate. The switch is either on or off. Many, many times I have fallen. It stinks to say that I can never drink again. But I cannot. If I do even one time the cycle starts all over. The day one loathing, hatred, anxiety, sick, shakes, guilt, shame, remorse all comes back.
Whenever I relapsed it was always the "just one more time" mentality. I needed to get it through my thick head that a few hours of "enjoyment" was always paid for 10 fold the next day. The feelings, the emotions, the sickness,.