Yours Truly

Update. Firstly, I have somewhat avoiding this thread. A lot has happened. At first I was too heartbroken to post, and I had to get through that and apply some logic to make sense of it all before I posted. Then, I realize the sensitivity of the situation and that it's difficult for for folks to offer advice. Although intellectually I have a grip on what's happening, I need to hold myself accountable and keep from slipping into denial and folding. Having said that, I have decided to keep this thread alive if for no other reason than to journal and hopefully help someone else who comes along finds him/herself in a similarly unfortunate situation. Finally, I decided to remove the signature "Vic, hand me the remote"; the main reason being they're my dad's words - not mine. But as I further describe the current situation, it will become clear how eerily true the phrase really is.

So here's the deal. My Dad and stepmom returned the rosary beads, and my stepmom enclosed a lovely card thank you card with the sentiment "I love you, Vicki." Naturally I was very touched, and of course wept. I decided to stick my neck out (all the while respecting my father as a separate individual than my stepmom) and send him an email. I did the unthinkable: I CONFRONTED him. That's right. But it was a very, very diplomatic - and I thought - inoffensive confrontation.


Well, that backfired, and having read about confrontations, I was expecting that. He sent me a very nasty, abusive and accusatory email in return on behalf of both himself of him AND Vicki, blaming me for behaviors I exhibited when I was 15 years old - things that culminated from being raised by abusive and neglectful parents, things that neither one of them have ever taken responsibility for. As I was a child, I will not take responsibility for behaviors that they created in me and which they never took steps to resolve. I needed help at a very, very young age. And so, after having read this email, I then realized that Vicki's card was disingenuous.

After I wrote the above "confrontation" (which I'd hoped would come across as a polite request) - and within the same email - I offered to buy a round trip flight to come out and visit for a few days, at which time my Dad informed me that Vicki wasn't feeling well, that she had been in bed for days, etc., etc. This may or may not be true, but I found it a little peculiar since they had just had guests the previous week and had just spent several days showing them around town, participating in various activities. Vic, hand me the remote. Once again, she's playing the victim, pushing me out of his life and he's going along with it. He's using any excuse he can, blaming me for petty things like teenage growing pains (granted, it was more like smoking pot and running away from home, but big whoop, right)? And he got rid of me then. She pushed me out of his life, and I went to live in a group home. And that was fine by me. For the first time in my life I felt safe, I felt cared for and often felt loved. 15 ended up being a pretty damned good year.

Running away from home was like escaping from prison. It was EXHILARATING. And when I made the decision a week or so not to respond his initial email I posted about I had that same feeling.

I've been reading a bit about narcissistic sociopaths, how manipulative they are and the webs they weave. The parallels to my Dad just blows my mind. It's possible that they're both sociopaths. My stepmom never, ever expressed the least amount of compassion or love when I was growing up. She used to just stand aside when my Dad beat me. When I flew out to visit last year, I made the mistake of briefly locking eyes with her. Her eyes were like two black voids; soulless, cold, stony, insensitive. Maybe evil. I'll never forget it. It was like facing off with Nosferatu.

I think that when my Dad figures out that I'm not going to cave to his manipulation and apologize for being such a "rotten kid" that he's 1) going to become more abusive or 2) wait until she dies and bribe me back into his life with money, or make all kinds of excuses about how he was just so distraught about her dying or how he's so sorry for being uncommunicative or any number of tactics to weasel his way into my life.

Here's how I see it right now: It's unforgivable to me that he would allow her to push me out of his life again. I've always been second-rate. Always. Granted, she will die a bitter, jealous, hateful woman with a guilty conscience - or not, if she's a sociopath - but that is not enough solace to reestablish communications with him. He will never, ever hold himself accountable for the way he has treated me. If he does, it will be a trick. And THAT'S where it will get hard. THAT'S how narcissists keep reeling their victims back in over and over and over. They're masters of deception.

Wait until they go to the mailbox day after day and there are no more sunshiny cards from me, no more loving emails, no more encouragement, love or support of any kind. Then Vicki can start thinking about where my Dad is going to go next - to some other poor woman with low self-esteem that he can order around and floss his butt crack. I give him two years tops. She can ask herself if that's her preferred tradeoff. She knows he can't take care of himself. One thing is certain; my ultimate silence will definitely send a message in and of itself - that she can take her hateful, spiteful feelings to her grave and that I will not validate them or take responsibility for any of her failures that damaged me.


P.S. Wow....this was really long. Sorry pallies. I'll try to update more often.