I slipped, had 7 beers on Saturday night with some friends after 21 days. Much better than my usual binge, and headed home when they headed to the next bar, but I give myself no pat on the back. Somewhere in my mind I believed I could just have a couple, but this group of friends go hard, so I have told them since that I will need some time to work on myself, and will be out of touch for the time being. They understand. I know where I left off and am taking additional steps to make sure there is no more room for a slip.
My problem is my anxiety, which basically revolves around health concern, and even more specifically my heart. Little background information: I am 25, healthy weight, eat mostly organic and little to no red meat, exercise often, smoke free for four years, and basically outside of my binges I try to live as healthy a lifestyle as I can afford. I have had 9 ekgs, two echo-cardiograms, and a stress test a little over a year ago, (all of which came back superb) and somehow still obsess over thoughts of having a heart attack or heart failure. Ridiculous, I know, but that's my case. It all stems from my drinking, thinking I have done irreversible damage due to my heavy binges(generally once a weekend, strictly beer, but to a block-out state most of the time.) I know I can't drink, with or without the anxiety because I can't just have one(or tell myself what's the point of having one?!) So it's a no no. Not sure what I am trying to get as a response, somewhat needed to vent I guess.
So it is day 2, I went for a run, and am putting together my plan. Day by day, I can and will do this. I lost 110 lbs, I quit smoking, I can do this too! (not bragging, giving myself textual reassurance.) I have a meeting tomorrow with a therapist to begin practicing CBT for my anxiety, and will attend some AA meetings in my area. I will also check in here often.
Thank you for reading, and bless all of you.
