yes, i get that, Jess.
but the idea 'now i could be a normal drinker' is one thing and ideas aren't really relevant to the carrying out of the "i will never...and i will never..." BP.
this is the crazy part.
where the 'idea' suddenly trumps the most earnest plan.
this is where my question always was/is. i had many returns to drinking after committing/deciding/planning never to do it again and to never change my mind. the fact that i drank again over and over, which i could only see, at the time, as having changed my mind even though i had made up my mind to not ever change it....left me stumped.