((((Hugs)))) I'm sorry you're dealing with this SK.
Yes, 19 year olds go through phases. I was clinically depressed twice in my teens & yes, it was debilitating. My concern, reading through your posts, is that she's just perpetuating the same cycles being in this relationship with an alcoholic, older boyfriend & can't really deal with anything - not REALLY - while she's in a relationship that allows her to take the focus off of herself. Yes, she can learn to manage anxiety & yes she can get past this - IF she wants to. IF she decides to take the steps to do so.
My heart breaks for you here SK, I don't even want to think of my own daughter carrying all of this into adulthood & spilling it into every other relationship. But I can promise you that when you show her this attitude:
I know the conventional wisdom is to "take care of myself first" or "put on my oxygen mask first", but that's not going to happen. I know I'm not going to fall apart. I may have migraines and a back ache, but I won't fall apart. I may want to. But I won't.
then you can't be completely surprised when she demonstrates the exact same behavior, can you? If you aren't showing her how to put herself first by doing it yourself & showing her how to conquer anxiety by taking care of yours first then do your expectations REALLY qualify as reasonable?
You cannot control her any more than you could control your Ex. It might be a different situation completely, but your Codie Control is just as limited.
But, again I feel like I've been thrust into a chess game that I don't want to play. Having to deal with someone else's mental health challenges while mine get put on the back burner.
I know it may feel that way, but this is a choice you are making SK - you are far enough into recovery to know that your issues are on the back burner because YOU are putting them there. No matter what happens, DD has the right to live her own life & hey - maybe she NEEDS to go through this right now - how can you be SO SURE of what's in her future path to know exactly where she should be standing right now?
