Trees, You are a smart and deeply feeling person who knows themselves rather well. So well in fact that you have a gift in that you can see what you might be planning before you act on it. That's something many who never make it die from.
But it's a double edge for you. You also feel like you are in control as a result. That's a flat out lie.
I can see where I might be heading most times. But when I was at my worst all that did was warn me. Not stop me. Now when I see it I act.
I don't know I am making sense. Just that your addictive voice is trying hard to convince you that another gamble is ok. Just one more. NO. No it's not.
Dee has some solid advice. Please listen to him and the folks here who care so much for you like I do.
Find some people who know what you are doing. I know you have friends who know. Speak up to them.
Let me and us know what's going on for you.