Thank you all so much for your messages, it really means a lot.
I hear you with the addictive behaviours Anna. Looking at it I do have an addictive personality sort, I can never do things by half, it's always to excess. I thought exercise wouldn't be a bad one to get addicted to but I pinned all my sobriety on that and it's not enough. I too am now very aware of needing more balance.
I was lucky enough D122y although I have done some pretty shameful things when blacked out, so I later found out anyway. I'm now getting to the age where the heavy drinkers I know are starting to suffer ill effects from alcohol. One only 10 or so years older and now in an assisted living facility for the rest of his life. I have children that need me, I can't do that to myself and therefore them.
Today can be the first day of the rest of my life. Feeling cautiously positive.