Hey sobersolstice,
I finally had to stop because of that poisoned feeling too. Drinking was making me so sick and miserable. After I quit I did not see improvement for quite some time. That scared me and made me very anxious, but I knew if I drank it would get worse every time because I DID have a withdrawal seizure. You may or may not experience kindling. Until my seizure my frequent attempts to quit were much the same. A one-time (& last time) 3 day black-out vodka bender plus Ativan produced my seizure when I tried to quit cold turkey. Nor does everyone end up with PAWS, but if you dwell on it you might obsess yourself into a mimic state.
It kind of sounds like you are in a pretty panicky state a lot of the time. If you could just sit and breath slowly and consider that nothing is threatening you RIGHT NOW, maybe you could slow down the impulsive desire to drink. I believe you can do this, and we are here for you. Do you think you could check in before you give in to impulse?