Back again...
Well, I messed up on the solstice due to apathy, and gave into withdrawals.
I have been falling asleep on the couch after work everyday after a six pack of beer, many times waking up at 4am with my pants and couch soaked in beer. I wake up and drink water, which I usually throw up right away. 90% of my calories have come from my beer, emaciating me and making physical work that much more difficult. After spending every weekend last month in bed and getting late starts to work, I now know I can't drink.
What's most important is that I don't like the feeling I get from alcohol anymore. Even after 2 beers, I get reclusive and quiet... tired, then I drink more to push past and drink more until I black out and wake up just wanting to sleep while sweating in beer soaked clothes. It doesn't have any positive place in my life. It doesn't help me relax. My anxiety levels after drinking are through the roof and I come across as not having any confidence.
I don't go to the gym anymore because I come home after work and drink. I was watching motivational videos, and kept hearing how important it is to chase your passions and goals. I'll start with goals... I took a blank piece of paper, and wrote "My Goals" at the top. It took about an hour before I wrote anything, but started with "living healthy". That's the only thing I wrote. I know now the number one thing that is keeping me from making healthy decisions and motivation to do so is tied to drinking and the fact that it needs to go.
As soon as I started feeling withdrawals, I went to an evening AA meeting, which was uncomfortable, but introduced myself and opened up. There were many supportive people, and told me to call anytime, but two younger guys stuck around and were very cool. I was having confusion due to withdrawals, but realized I only ate yogurt today. I almost went to the liquor store, but knew my intense cravings would pass. I instead got a big burrito and force fed myself. My brain is fuzzy, but my body doesn't crave alcohol as much right now, so I'm going to bed after watching some Olympics.
I always stop in here when I feel it's important to make this change. I don't always post, but it gets me thinking. I have finally realized that I need to learn to love myself, and one of the first actions toward that goal is to be healthy. Poison is not healthy. The next week/month is not going to be easy, but I will stop in and make sure to eat and wait out the cravings. Thank you all, and today is day one.