Thank you, thank you everyone, you have no idea how much you have helped me. Yesterday I did the right thing, went to an AA meeting and shared my stuff and as always the support I received was amazing, the love and the wisdom in the rooms never fails to astound me.... Then a newcomer approached me, first day in, shaking and hungover in so much pain and there I discovered the gift of step 12 (not there yet, in the middle of step 4) and I spent the rest of the day with him talking about the joys of sobriety.... Can you imagine? Weeping and wailing in the morning to encouraging, grateful and enthusiastic in the afternoon. Lol.
Thank you all for giving me clarity, when I am in the pain of my love addiction I lose all perspective, the love object becomes all powerful and his rejection of me distorts my reality. I forget the bad stuff, yearn for what it was like in the beginning and forget that the beginning was just an illusion the reality was what took place during the ensuing 5 years.
Alcohol was the glue that kept us together, had I been healthy and sober, I would have binned him long ago.
Staying sober is a daily battle but one I know is worth fighting and oneday I will be in a place where I will be able to thank him for giving me the gift of recovery.
When I do my step 9 I will pray for him and hopefully be able to detach with love, let go of pain and resentment and put down my torch, stepping into the future free.
I will also pray for the new love of his life.... A lamb to the slaughter, a tornado is about to rip her life to shreds. I thought of warning her but I would then be in breach of the injunction and open myself up to repercussions from him. Also I doubt she would listen, I didn't when his ex wife tried to warn me.... So I will pray for her, she thinks she has found the man of her dreams, little does she know the nightmare that approaches....
Bring on the steps, bitterness does not taste very nice!!
Now off to do my step 4 fears list errr I reckon abandonment should go at the very top!
Recovery is wonderful.
Elle x