"Yet, still, I threw away thousands of precious moments out of my head on substances. And I felt regret for that. Or maybe more accurately; I felt deep grief. Sure, I still lived those times. But many of them are hazy at best. Much of my own life is lost in shadows of obliterated memories. Orphaned somewhere in my cross-wired brain, addled from all the years of abuse."
This made me cry just now at my desk at work. 608 days sober, and the pink cloud is long gone. Most of the time I can live in the moment, but some days are full of remorse and sadness. Grief. I've been struggling with it especially in the past week or so. As I dig deeper into the past, and what made me tick, I uncover things that hurt to remember. I know the process will be worth it, and that I need to face and feel these emotions, but it's not fun.
So much wasted time. So much destruction of myself and others. BUT - I'm sober, and will not repeat past behaviors. Something to truly be grateful for.