my reward for 13 months sober was a stage 3 metastatic melanoma diagnosis.i had quite a few plans for my life sober, but instead spent the next 3 years fighting for my life- 5 surgeries, a clinical trial that was stopped due to recurrance, 2 rounds of chemo with the 2nd one being stopped as it almost killed me, uncountable PET scans, mri's, ct scans, blood draws...pretty much every test short of a pregnancy test. as a result of it all, i have lasting side effects- migraines, fatigue, sensitivity to heat and cold( I burn up in the summer and freeze in the winter), immune system is weak and i get sick real easy( its a miracle if i go a month without getting sick), lymphedema stikes my left arm if i over use it(im left handed) and that aint very fun, stabbing pains in the surgery locations, since one of the surgeries was to remove a part of a vertabrae that the cancer got into i have a limit on weight lifted and consequences if i break that........... quite a few other lasting side effects, plus i STILL have the cancer. melanoma, when it gets to a certain stage isnt classified as in remission or cure- just not active.
its not a matter of if it comes back, but when. i live every day knowing it can come back at any time- it could be going crazy inside me right now without me knowing it.
once planning on starting my own business, im now on disability. i never know how im going to be feeling one day to the next so cant solidify plans. some days my plans are shot because fatigue decides to show up. some days my plans are shot because i was around someone that was sick and now i am.
once an outdoor freak-i worked and played outside my entire life(except for 10 years i worked in a machine shop, which i didnt like because i was cooped up inside) and even lived in a tent for many summers- i now have to be even more careful being outside. i cant work or play in the yard like i used to or want to-ANY SEASON OF THE YEAR.
do i feel cheated?
i used to, but that self pity didnt do me any good and i didnt like how it made me feel.
so, i took the choice of changing me and my attitudes about life.
even though i cant do everything i used to do like i used to do it, i have an awesome life. i worked very hard at changing my perceptions of my life. there are hundreds of of thousands of people in this world that would absolutely love to have my life and my problems and would gladly change places with me.
no, i wasnt cheated.