babykittens

I guess I just need to share how I'm feeling tonight, because I'm recognizing the damage that comes along w no acknowlgement of the abuse suffered by an ACOA.

My mom is very much still drinking. I am the hero as well as the scapegoat. I've moved away, but she continues to harass me with txt messages, and voicemails for hours on end abt once every two weeks. Tonight, after a lot of other cruel things, she said that she no lager considers me a part of the family, the rest of my family feel the same, and she doesn't care if she ever speaks to me again. She has said many things like this before, so it's not entirely devastating.

The thing that does still hurt, is that even though I know she is wasted and will not remember saying the cruel things she's texted me tonight, or possibly even truly feel this way.... Is that while she was saying them, she felt them. I have been loyal to her to a fault, stayed by her side and played her scapegoat as well as hero, by myself since the age of 12. My father and sister got off easy. The most hurtful things I may have ever said to her, were that she and her alcoholism were hurting me, over and over again. It may very well have hurt me more to say that to her, due to guilt and shame of disloyalty, than it even hurt her anyways. That is, if she remembers. The reality that she even for a moment, hated me or does not consider me her daughter, is painful, disgusting, and bewildering. She says these things to me quite often. I do believe, that when she is drunk, she means them.

Besides the hurt, the more disturbing feeling this brings is that I always held hope in the fact that I believed my mom to be a truly good, kind hearted person, on the inside, no matter what. Even though she has never apologized, I just knew she didn't mean it. Now that hope is seriously dwindling, and w it is the last bit of respect and empathy I had for my mom. It's disloyal to feel this way abt her, I still feel, although I'm fighting it.

I may have to accept that she has cut me out of HER life. Abandonment. Ugh. I know and love who I am as a person, because I am kind hearted and good to ppl, at least I try to be that way. Accepting, caring, and generous to ppl no matter who they are. I'm not perfect at all. But I care, and that counts for a lot. Maybe I just needed to type that out to others to remind myself that I am not the terrible person she says I am.

I can't even speak to her at this point, and rarely take her calls for fear of her drunken wrath (that she so thoughtfully saves up just for me, at least the real nasty brunt of it). She harasses me for hours while she's drunk, and tells me she is afraid to talk to me, because I'm a bully. It's all crap, I know. Just can't deny the bit of hurt and injustice I feel, to hear the most cruel things I've ever been told, from my own mother.

Since I've spoken out to her a little bit abt the effects her alcoholism has had on my psyche long term, she has decided I blame her for my circumstances and the person I am "although I only have myself to blame". I responded that I don't blame anyone for who I am, but that I take credit for who I am. I still struggle with the shame of feeling like she is to blame for certain negative aspects of my personality. I take full responsibility for myself, and my actions, how I treat others. It's just that little voice inside saying, "How she treated you, how others treat you, it doesn't matter". That's what I'm saying to myself if I excuse her of the damage she has caused.

Anyways, thanks to anyone who is listening, and thanks to Scapegoat for posting on grieving abuse alone.