Hi Ghost,
I'm fairly new here, but - wow - your situation sure feels familiar.
Please, please don't feel you have disappointed anyone here. I'm very happy you had the courage to face your fears and return. I wish I'd been brave enough to start up here when I first realized I needed to. And I would have been hesitant myself. But you did it! And now I know that if I lose my footing I can come back and no one will judge me. And I hope I won't be chided for sounding like I'm encouraging people to lapse. I'm choosing to look at my lapses as an opportunity to learn and strengthen my resolve. If I despair I'm afraid that I will convince myself that I might as well drink again. That is the worst possible choice for me. The fact is, for me, after the lapses the suffering was incredibly worse to the point that I kindled and finally had a seizure. I hope no one plays with fire the way I did.
For me, AA is not my choice. I understand your concerns very well. It seems a rather sticky subject here so I won't elaborate. There are other resources. I find so much help and encouragement here and on other sites. Also there are apparently AA sites online where you might see if you find the environment safe. I might. There is never only one way. But please resist the urge to take even that "one drink." Most of us can't stop there.
Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. And welcome back
