Day #2
Nothing bad has taken place aside from the nagging voice stating " You're an alcoholic!" Its detrimental to my well being. Alcohol.
With abstinence, the voice then turns into thinking about recovery constantly and not really being able to live a life that doesn't revolve around thinking how I will abstain. This doesn't seem balanced to me? I want so much to not deal with this discomfort and the extremes that are involved with sobriety or with alcohol. Just to have an existence that does not walk on the edge. A life of balance. I know balance will not be with Alcohol and I accept this. Acceptance has not prompted change. Why can't I just walk away and think nothing more of it? Remove that painful relationship and move on. Its abusive nature is enough to make any sane person run and never look back. This lesson is hard learned if I am learning anything at all? Its questionable.
I have been sober on and off many times. The times I got sober were due to extremes. The times I ended sobriety were due to extremes. I can not blame anyone but myself and the coping skills that I have resorted too. Therapy, AA, this forum, books, journals etc. I am not sure why I choose to continually hurt myself? I always come back to the thoughts, "This is not working. You are an Alcoholic. This hurts too much!" I don't stop though. I don't fight too hard. I just keep swimming in a loop of thoughts that drag down my being. Thoughts that stop the light within from shining brightly.
I long to be one of those inspiring people that got their **** together and moved mountains with their strength and determination. I want so much more in terms of esteem and self worth. Self Care. I can pledge to stop and then there I am back in the loop of self destruction again. I can promise a lot. Somehow, someway this has got to stop. It has always needed to stop.
There is going to be so much that everyone has to say about how to get and remain sober. I will not talk with anyone in person about this. I take comfort in knowing that I am a fake name on a forum. I may start therapy soon to work out all the **** that has taken place in the last 2 years. I know I am grieving over the loss of my sister and the loss of a relationship that was beyond repair. This is not the reason that I drink. I dont have a reason other than being an alcoholic. Being an alcoholic is not even a reason to drink. I do need help with this though. I think I am at a loss. Its not beyond repair. I just need to get over this mountain.
Day #2