Your little bit of your story and feelings you've shared here, whether you like/want to believe it, is not unique! If you never have, I would recommend reading "The Doctors Opinion" in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. What it taught me - that I never understood, or truly believed - is that we alcoholics have an Obsession of The Mind, and an Allergy Of The Body. And what it comes down to, is a spiritual malady causing that obsession. Even dry, I can't enjoy life, i can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I can't be comfortable in a room of ppl, big or small. I can't handle or react to normal life situations. Because I am an alcoholic, and my spiritual life is NILL. 'Spiritual Life' does NOT mean you gotta believe in God ( as in the God of Catholics or the God of Christians etc...) what you believe in is up to you. But until I can open my mind, accept that I am not powerful enough to fix my own life. And become willing to truly try something new....I will never be relieved of that obsession. Because I'm always looking for what can relieve that anxiety, pain, discomfort, fear, worry etc etc. and I already know that alcohol will do this for me. Until I work the 12 steps of AA, I don't know there's anything else that CAN. And that obsession takes me to that first drink. The first drink sparks the allergy, which causes a craving and the craving makes me thirsty. Whether I have one or 30 drinks....it's NEVER enough. And once I pass out, I wake up thinking about the next drink. Even if I gotta wait 6,12,24 months to get it. I'll be miserable until I get it. But I will eventually get back to it. Unless I do something differently. And thankfully somebody explained to me very simply, I'm only 12 steps from feeling better. From being rocketed into a 4th dimension of living. I didn't know what that meant...but I wanted it. And now I'm here, and I went from feeling nearly exactly like you are, to having a life better than I ever imagined. My problems are still here, but I have a spiritual life today. Sorry for the novel. Hope you start to feel better.