Kaily - I'm sorry if I came off any other way. I absolutely believe you need to be in recovery right now. RIGHT NOW. Please, if anything I said made you feel otherwise then I take it back time one million.
I am only going from what I get through your messaging. I don't know and I can't know if you are truly ready to be done. I lay myself bare here on the boards and admit all that is me - in the hopes that it helps someone else. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm this honest.
But if you are asking me to give my absolute honest answer to you, here it goes:
You are alone. You became alone for a reason. You didn't become alone over night. You helped that cause. (as did many of us). You know you are an alcoholic (fantastic, step one). Stopping is harder than continuing (yes and yes again). Help seems distant, and the help you've seen isn't enough (haven't a lot of us been there? yep, yep yep). So you find yourself at a crossroads. If you are that alone, and I feel deeply for you if you are, it means that if you are truly ready, you will have to crawl there on your own. And be prepared to start understanding that alcohol may not be just your only issue (wouldn't that be easy and lovely? just kidding) . Doing this under your own power alone is daunting and crazy hard. No one is saying otherwise. I do believe you need to come out of it, to be sober, and to understand what your next steps are. Your next step is just to declare a day 1. That's all.
Day 1, then get an apt for analysis, and then whatever lies beyond that. You have no idea and neither do I. So please forgive me if you think I've minimized that. SInce entering AA I've entered into treatment for both an eating disorder and for bipolar disorder. Those are things I drank away. Now I have to deal with them as a sober person. I DO NOT TAKE ANY OF THIS LIGHTLY. I can't say this enough
Please get to this apt and then take care of yourself with whatever plan makes sense to YOU. You can find the right way there, and there is NO one right way there.