Originally Posted by Expanding

I'm realizing that my former personal stereotype of what an alcoholic or problem drinker was is what kept me in my relationship for so long. Growing up my parents weren't really there, and my mom (an alcoholic) would get nasty when she was drunk. She would be up late into the night essentially arguing with herself because no one was participating or saying anything back... she would just go on and on saying the most terrible things. If you dared to say anything it would be like hitting a reset button and she would continue on for another hour, so you'd have to just sit there in silence and hope she passed out soon.

My ex on the other hand was entirely different. It's making me tear up just thinking about it. His drunk behavior created a lot of cognitive dissonance. He would say the nicest things, he loved everyone, wouldn't stop talking, I'd have to "become a bitch" in order to get him to leave a party. So while he was disrespectful in the sense that I drove, we agreed on a time that we'd leave and hours would go by... he was just "so nice and lovable and what is there not to like"?

While drinking he would cook for me. Or he would do yard work. Or he would make sure I was in bed and not cold. It was when he was not buzzed or drunk that I experienced the brunt of his stonewalling, deflection and projections. How confusing!

I needed to put this out there. For me, my mother being belligerent and nasty while drunk was far easier to spot as an issue. When someone is extra nice while drunk, that's just confusing as hell.