Thank you everybody. I am so full of guilt and shame. I am a terrible husband, father, human being. My family is suffering terribly for all my mistakes, mistakes I have made in sobriety. Through indecision and procrastination on my part. Depression and anxiety have played a great part in it but I can't blame it all on mental illness. I needed to take action and take care of my family.
We are being evicted from our home in one week. My wife wants a divorce.. I am losing everything I loved in life. Everything is crashing down on me at once, and it could have been so easy to take care of the situation, I had plenty of time and opportunities, God kept giving me so many chances. I could not face my problems like a man should and provide for his family. Now my son must endure the humiliation we will face when we are put out of our home. There are many other issues like my health but they are secondary to this.
I am just so overwhelmed by the trouble I have caused for us. It was not anything I did, it was what I did not do. And I want to run. I have always been a runner, not able to face reality. And I want to numb myself out, just shut off the pain and get some relief from it all. I have not had a drink in 10 years and I am scared how I will react, and it is insane reasoning but the only solution my alcoholic mind can come up with is to drink.
I live in a nightmarish world of fear, anxiety, depression, self loathing, guilt and shame. It never lets up. I just want everything to go away. I am such a loser and I hate myself for it.