You're stronger than you know
Hello, friends. Checking in today with a new username. SR saved my life about 6 years ago. This is where I learned the truth about alcoholism/addiction and how to eventually let go of my addict. I still come here from time to time. Today I hope I can give some encouragement and hope to those who are in those same agonizing shoes that I once wore. I also need to spill my thoughts because I'm coming off of a relapse. Brief, but still a relapse. I had to come here last night to get grounded and to reread my old posts. I needed a reality check, and SR got me back on track.
My ex has three addictions - alcohol, weed, and attention from women. When we met, they should have been enough to send a girl like me running. But I didn't know about any of it until I was already madly in love with him. He masked the addictions until he couldn't, and that's when my world crumbled. By then, he was my drug--I just didn't know it. We went through horrific ups and downs, trying to make it work. I was finally able to walk away without any drama. And then I moved over 1000 miles to start a new life. I don't remember ever feeling so happy and whole.
In a sober world, he and I are honest-to-God soulmates. We are best friends and intimate partners. We thrive on each other's company, lift each other up, laugh and cry together, start each other's engines and keep them running, call each other out when needed, and share our lives in every way imaginable. I can say that because after the first round of hell in our relationship, I found myself here at SR. I left him, he got help and worked a program, and so did I. We lived some beautiful sober years together, and life was freaking amazing. Until it wasn't. His life changed when he took on a new job. It was stressful, and his alcoholic voice kept finding excuses to justify a drink, a hit, or a kind word and a wink from a willing woman in the new workplace. He caved and quit working his program.
I quit working my program, too, and reverted to my old pleading, begging, crying, weak, out-of-control-yet-trying-to-control-everything self. I lost myself and backpedaled horribly. It was embarrassing and shameful. But I came back here, and people gently and not-so-gently reminded me I was in charge of my own happiness, and that I could get my shi* together if I really wanted to. I did. He did too, and we tried again. But his relapses kept coming. While I kept getting stronger. Thank God I did.
Last week was rough for me, however. I had to return to our hometown for an emergency. He asked to see me and I thought I was strong enough to do it. We met early in the morning, and went for a walk in a city park. Every moment we spent together was pure bliss. Seriously. Like a drug. I still love that man madly. We talked and laughed and caught up on life's bigger details. He wasn't drunk or high. I felt his genuine love. It sounds ridiculous because I know that he still uses, and that he has a girlfriend. He shared those things with me. He also misses us and he knows what we are capable of having. But he also loves booze and weed. And he's found a woman that's willing to drink and smoke with him and that works for them. Ha! At least for now. But our meeting felt like a gift. I got to spend time with a man I genuinely love. I call it a relapse because our time was so powerful that for days afterward, I had thoughts of calling him and saying, 'let's try again'. I cried and obsessed for 5 days. We have a chemistry that is heart, mind, body, and soul powerful. I was ready to give up everything.
What SR taught me is that he's entitled to live his life in whatever way he chooses. He has wounds from a wicked childhood that he may never be willing to fully face. He medicates with his chosen drugs. When he's using mind and mood-altering substances, he's not fully present. He's not himself. He uses and lies to use more.
MORE IMPORTANTLY, SR taught me to love myself and that I deserve a life free from the complete and utter chaos of addictions--his addictions and my craziness and loss of self while he's using. Going back to him would mean asking for pure chaos again.
Everything I have learned here is a valuable gem of wisdom that has given me freedom. When people told me no contact was essential for moving on, they were right. When they told me Al-Anon was critical to my well-being they were right. When they told me I was just as sick as him, they were right. When they told me his past behavior was the best predictor of his future behavior, they were right. When they described the reality of relapse, they were right.
When they told me I could do it and heal myself, that my focus needed to be on ME, they were right.
If you have read this all the way to the end, thanks for sticking with me. Ha! Thanks for letting me sort my thoughts here in my safe place. Y'all rock.