Hello All,
I am a newbie. this is my day 2. I have only ever made it to Day 10 BUT this time, I am going to make it.
I am a 44 year old single mom with an 11 year old and an 18 month old.
My story is very similar to many of the other wine loving moms' stories on these forums. Throughout my drinking career (began at 16 with a handful of binge drinking episodes) I had always had a healthy appetite for alcohol and would routinely out drink my girl friends and/or keep up with many of my guy friends, drink for drink. University and my early professional years were sprinkled with monthly club nights out with many a binge episode. That pattern of drinking lasted into my late 20’s when I discovered a love, a taste, a salivation for red wine. Since that time, I have had a love affair with red wine for over 12 years (excluding my two pregnancies-where I was able to abstain with no issues).
12 years ago, after a devastating break up, I started drinking a couple of glasses on a nightly basis to cope with what was for me unbearable anxiety and depression and an inability to cope with my feelings of abandonment and low self esteem. My drinking continued to evolve over the next several years as did my low self esteem, anxiety and depression. I stumbled from one unhealthy relationship to another- unconsciously choosing men who would mirror back to me, my very low opinion of myself.
Finding a relationship and a sense of belonging was almost a compulsion to me- even after I gave birth to my beautiful son. That obsessive quest, compounded with copious amounts of red wine, coloured my decision making process and relationship skills. Needless to say (and back to my drinking) over the next several years to me drinking a bottle of wine a night for easily the last four years. I am embarrassed to admit, but I want to admit it, that I stopped breastfeeding my daughter earlier than I originally intended, just so that I could get back to my dysfunctional relationship with my beloved friends Merlot, Cabernet and Shiraz.
In the last few months, my drinking surged -again- upwards to over a bottle of wine to a frightening level of me being able to polish off a 1.5 ml and not even feel totally wasted on that amount. Some nights, I would even make a couple of super strong strawberry daiquiris just to celebrate the summer heat and then switch to wine to finish off the night. With this latest drinking surge, I have noticed my weight creep up fast. I have never gained weight from drinking in the past, but as I am now mid 40's and overwhelmed with the responsibilities of being a single mom ...I have not given myself time to to excercise. I have given myself time to sit on the couch every single night and watch tv and drink. I think sadly my vanity, coupled with my low mom moments listed below, is the catalyst this time for me to make this change. I don’t want to be an overweight, unhealthy, alcoholic single mom. I want things to start working again in my life.
Another low mom moment of late is my son telling me as we pull into the liquor store parking lot is "Oh right, of course we are here now. Mom I know your routines, we need to get wine every night!"
This is it. I am ready to quit.
This is not who I want to be. This is not what I want my son to see. I think the biggest wake up call for me that I am realizing is that with my sitting and zoning out every night, my 11 year old son has suffered as well. I noticed "our nightly routines" after my daughter is in bed look like this-
Me on the couch with my bottle and the remote in hand AND my lovely boy (whom I am teaching the same coping mechanisms) is on the couch in our den -glued to his PS4 playing hour after hour of video games.
Some nights, I pass out on the couch and he wakes me up at midnight and tells me to go to bed. He has put on weight from snacking on foods and mindless eating while gaming. We aren't out enjoying the summer nights, we aren't playing board games or sitting down for real evening meals.
Last week, a neighbour's friend came by unepectedly with a request to stay the night, I was half asleep/passed out on the couch and I think I slurred my words when he and my son asked me if we could order a pizza. I vaguely remember hearing my son saying to his friend (in embarrassment) "oh she's just tired, she gets like that sometimes".
Anyhow bless anyone who read my babbling post
I WANT to be different. I want my son to be proud of me. I want him to see a good role model and a healthy spirit.
This forum already has helped me so much. I am writing a plan for my recovery today. As well I will be writing a journal entry every morning to plan activities for us for my witching hour each day.
I am hoping I can become a valuable member of this forum and find some connections to help me ( and me help others ) through this daunting journey. I have felt incredibly isolated and shunned from society for ending up having two children with two different fathers and being 44 with a toddler when most of my friends are almost done parenting their teens.
I hope with this forum, I can build new and healthy relationships with like minded people for the purposes of supporting each other and encouraging each other's healthy growth and metamorphosis to a new and more rewarding existence.
Thanks to all for listening and any suggestions or words of encouragement are VERY appreciated.
Kindest Regards,
Lotus Child