My Experience Carrying the Message - Speaking
I was asked to speak for the first time at my home group.
Background: my step work and spiritual growth have been rather slow, but for those who know me on SR and in meetings, I've been fighting hard for my recovery this time around. I never follow through with anything, but I walked into AA this time utterly defeated and hopeless, and in my home group I saw and heard hope. So I stayed. And worked at it. And kept working at it.
It was sprung on me to speak 5 minutes before the meeting started. Miraculously, I was only anxious for a moment. I went into the kitchen and quickly asked God to help me carry the message, and that was it. I calmly asked a couple of questions to our lead guy, and I went up front.
In the past, if anyone had asked me to public speak or something, I would've been all crazy in ego. I would've been in complete and utter drama. I would've practiced what I was going to say, researched stuff, written things down I didn't want to forget, etc. I would've put all this insane focus needing to look perfect, so you all wouldn't see what I mess I really was on the inside.
This time was completely different. I brought God into it. I connected with my heart, quieting the mind. If my mind started to crop up while speaking, I was able to pause for a second and let it go. This was a completely different person up there.
Before my spiritual awakening, I lived my life in a bundle of nerves. I babbled like crazy sometimes. My stomach would get all twisted in knots. I worried about how I looked or if people thought I was smart, pretty, worthy, and all that other ego-crap. I'd get depressed telling myself how horrible I was, or nit-picking at every little thing I said or did, believing the lies my mind told me. I lived my entire life in the extremes of anxiety and depression, never in the middle; never balanced.
My sponsor told me afterward, that I was calm, happy, eloquent, and articulate. Those are words that have never been used to describe me, no matter how much in the past I tried to fake it in my daily facade that I was living in.
I was also HONEST.
Authentic.
And afterwards, I wasn't going crazy nervously asking everyone how I sounded, or apologizing for glitches or something. I was happy and calm as people came up to me to chat. I didn't critique myself or ask for someone to critique me. All I calmly thought in my heart was, "I hope I reached newcomers. I hope God is proud of me for carrying the message." It was very peaceful. My mind/ego was quiet.
Alcoholism kept me running away from myself for my entire life. Since before I even had my first drink.
To thy own self be true.