Expanding, I would like to echo dandy. I find that the grieving process comes in waves for me. It can be triggered by places, activities, songs--anything that is connected with XAH, and after 20+ years, there are a LOT of connections! And a lot of times, yes, things do feel worse when I'm tired, when it's dark, when I'm feeling like I have a lot to handle and wish I had some other shoulders to help carry the load.
Here are some things that have helped me:
When feeling particularly sad/lonesome, I try one of two things. Sometimes I try to just sit w/the emotions until they pass, not doing anything about them (and they do pass, always--emotions are just weather). Here is one article about sitting with painful emotions
How to Sit with Painful Emotions | World of Psychology and you can certainly google up many more. The other option is to get busy w/something else, something that takes concentration and effort, and inevitably, at some point during the project, I'll think "oh, gosh, I forgot to be sad!"
Now I do realize that those 2 ways of dealing with the grief are polar opposites! And I can't tell you how to know when to do which one (answers like this used to make me absolutely crazed when I was younger in my recovery, so I apologize for saying it to you now). However, I don't think there is a "wrong" answer, so just try whichever one seems best and see how it goes.
As far as feeling lonely, wishing I could share a burden, what has just recently come to me is this: I am NOT alone. I ALWAYS have help in carrying the weight. I am part of the Universe, and as such, I am never alone. The companionship and help I used to seek from XAH are available from God, the Higher Power, the Universe, whatever term we use,
at any time I choose to ask for them and to see myself as part of the whole, not as something separate. I really hope that doesn't freak you out--I think it likely would have freaked
me out, up until very recently! This is a completely new thing for me, and I'm not someone who ever had any kind of belief system in the past. I have no idea where you are with regards to this, but I did want to toss it out there for your consideration.
You've come a long way, expanding. Your name is totally appropriate!