Just came in from the beach
Had a great time! Read, went in the water, got a little burned, all in all a good day!
On the ride home I start to get emotional. Maybe I'm more tired from the sun but it made me feel very sad that I couldn't have a good day at the beach with the ex. We would start drinking way too much, way too early and by the end of the day I was drunk, frustrated and tired of seeing him so glossy eyed. It broke my heart.
Pretty much everything I do now feels entirely different in a good way but it still manages to make me feel sad. It's like I'm having little mourning sessions for the relationship I wanted but didn't have. I would have never felt this content coming home from the beach with him and this relaxation makes the tears flow. I'd probably end it yelling at him asking him why he needs to drink so much and asking him if he even likes me and what are we doing... he would sit there sad and mad and not say anything and I just didn't know how to fix us. I wanted so badly to fix us.
I've accepted that I'm going to be mourning for a long time. We did a lot together over the years and my mind is going to want to compare "then and now". I wanted to do what we did then but feel how I feel now.
Being around him made me so upset and on edge. He triggered my wounds constantly. Simple things like going to the grocery store or packing for a trip just felt so much more difficult then than it does now. I find this hard to rationalize.