From the AA big book, doctors opinion, paraphrased.
"These alcholics have one thing in common. They cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. This phenomenon cannot, by any means known to us, be permanently eradicated (still the case today). The only known solution we can suggest is complete abstinence."
A friend of mine drank after ten years sobriety. He was dead in three months. For an alcoholic of my type, there is no return to drinking safely.
ZamZam, you were very honest and open in your post. I wouldn't be that open in an AA meeting if you go to one.
I just wanted you to know that there was nothing in your post that I haven't done or thought about doing. What you were talking about is just normal run of the mill alcoholic behaviour.
This disease takes us to some awful places, but there is a way out. In AA I found people just like me who showed me how to recover and I was no longer alone. You can recover and you can have a better life.