COD - I'm glad you posted this. I'm sorry you are struggling. It's so real to see what happens when active relationships continue among the behaviors that brought us here to begin with. I understand why you stay, it's hard and complicated and not as easy as just walking away from it all. You are obviously a very talented guy and smart too and you understand a lot more about your life than anyone around you. I know that you will be ok and make the right choices for what you want to do, from what I have seen.
Sorry to hear it has been tough today. I know all too well how the brain feels in these situations and I hate seeing it's affecting you. You have some great support here and people much wiser than I - Good advice, stay focused, be well, and post everything you can here so we can talk and also see where you are.
I think it is a wonderful accomplishment you have to have been here at this forum so long and continue to share the way that you do. Thank you.