gainingstrength

Hi all, I'm new to this an accidentally posted this on the F&F of Alcoholics, but this is where I belong. Below is essentially my situation.

My partner and I have been together 4.5 years. He told me he had addiction issues about 4 months into the relationship, although I had no idea what that meant. I thought it was in the past, plus he attended AA religiously.

Well, a year and a half into our relationship my father died. Shortly after I found out he would go on weekend benders and had anonymous sex with any and everyone and using drugs, mostly meth. I rationalized the cheating to his drug use, and I was at such a low point in my life I felt I needed him.

Over the years it's been the same story - he's relapsed 4 or 5 times, both using and cheating. I stayed for so many reasons. I love him, I think he needs to sort his deep seeded issues out, he has mental health issues, etc. - but overall he's a great guy. At least I thought - he has a ph.D., plays at church on Sundays, has many friends, and everyone loves him. He treated me well, always doing things for me so I believed acts of service was his love language. I couldn't (and still can't) wrap my brain around how anyone can be so wonderful on the surface but every year or so he has a breakdown.

Fast forward to this past March and he relapsed again. I said hateful things, kicked him out, the usual. We maintained a friendly relationship because I still wanted to support him and we lived together. Then he entered rehab in May. Since we went to school together all of the profs and the Dean knew. I was so embarrassed, esp. since it was a few days before my graduation.

He got out of rehab, thought we could live together again since he was in recovery. Unfortunately, I have too much hurt, resentment and honestly hate in my heart, and because he's so fragile in recovery we decided he should move out again. Again, he moved in with a slightly older woman who's in AA.

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed now and don't know what to do. I know I should focus on myself. I've started attending al anon and have started to see how toxic my behavior was. I've stood by his side through everything. But now, he's just tossed me to the side like trash. I'm sure it's probably the best for both of us, but I still have fears. They say recovering addicts aren't supposed to make big changes and I feel guilty forcing him out, among a whole host of other feelings.

I'm also extremely angry because it seems that he's gotten a free ride. Went to a nice rehab for free, people gave him a nice amount of money to get back on his feet although he didn't need it, he has numerous prestigious job offers at the end of this month. Everyone came to his rescue, scooped him up and coddled him, as usual. How can he always pull the wool over the sheep's eyes?

Any words of encourage would be appreciated! Thanks for reading.