Behappy1

Hi all, this is a really difficult topic for me address, but know there are other mom's out there dealing with similar issues.

I have 15 year old b/g twins. I have been a binge drinker for about 7. years which escalated to worse and worse things happening the last few years. My kids have seen things that they should not have had to see and they've had to sacrifice things/events/going places due to me not being able to get them there because I had been drinking.

I am a single mom of two very active teens. I do not have help from their father at all. (Long story but it's for the better). I was a room mother, their soccer coach for 6 years, very involved in their lives/school, sleepovers galore spent at our house, My kids are involved soccer, basketball, softball, volleyball, track, church youth groups, 4-h, we've taken tons of family vacations, the whole 9 yards. My kids are very well rounded, are in accelerated college classes in high school. Both are very well liked and I am constantly getting told what good wholesome kids they are. Sounds like the picture perfect childhood right?? It could have been if their mom wasn't a drunk.

I am 30 days sober today. I actually thought I was done 126 days ago when I quit, but could not string along more than a few weeks of sober time without a bender in between for a day or so. I find myself extremely proud of being sober for 30 days and disgusted and hateful towards myself that that's even an accomplishment. I know that I cannot let the latter thinking seep into my thought process for long. It produces the thoughts of "you've already lost your chance at being a good mom - you can't do it." You'll just mess it up again - why try.

My son got home from camp last week, we had a busy 4th of July and he was at a sleepover so I really haven't had much chance to talk to him. Last night as we were getting ready for bed my son came in my room and I could see that he wanted to talk. Nothing pressing, just wanted some of "my time". This started at 11:30 and we finally went to bed at 2.

It was a MUCH needed conversation for both of us. I feel that we both needed to hear the things that we both said and we agreed to keep this an open door and an ongoing conversation. My kids and I have always been close, or so I thought. I've always tried to hide my drinking from them. As they got older it couldn't be hidden or "explained away".

Basically he has many memories.... Of mom drunk or passed out. From our conversation, he mainly talked about the negative things. I listened to everything he said. There were many tears on both sides. We've talked before about these topics. But I always had a bottle that was ready and waiting to numb the negative things that I heard. I always felt frustrated because I didn't drink every day and I felt like I was a damn good mom doing the best that I could. I felt like I was a stressed out mess working many hours at work, providing $250 Lebron James tennis shoes, a show horse for my daughter that was the price of a car, nice vacations, a beautiful home, etc, etc, etc. I've ran and ran my kids all over creation for practices, games, events, sleepovers. I could go on and on and on. I DO know that while those material things are "cool", they first and foremost needed a sober, present mom.

Basically last night I heard my son hurt, scared, not trusting sobriety. He said (and this is making me cry typing this)... I just want you to be my mom all of the time. Not part of the time...

My son and I talked about counseling for him. That is an option that I am looking into for him. My daughter wants NOTHING to do with counseling. The thing that I can see that they BOTH desperately need is a mom that they can count on to be sober. I have BEEN there for them physically the last several years. I need to learn how to be there for them emotionally IN THE MOMENT. Our 2.5 hour conversation last night would have typically not lasted long in the past because it would have been too heard to hear. It would have been too hard to hear because I was not living in sobriety. I am now. I want us all to heal together. I feel like this sobriety journey has been about me. That's great, but also selfish in that alcohol and my choices has hurt us all.

I hope this all makes sense and I hope this is posted in the appropriate forum. I could go on about the crap the mess that my choice in alcohol has caused in our lives. That thread would go on for days. If that is needed, click on my name for a history. This is really, really hard for me to process and type out. Any thoughts or directions or words of wisdom? I appreciate your gentle honesty.